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on 12 January 2017

yesterday before the day, I was shocked by a text. just short text that makes me surprised.

Not a good text actually.
Tomorrow is my birthday.
And not a good start.

On 12th Jan, i didnt feel anything.
My friends start wishing something good.
Something like "be happy", "may Allah bless you."."I cant wait to goto your wedding"
and i was answered like always.
"InsyaAllah, i'll invite all of you."
and then i remembered him.
.
.
.
he wished a good wishes. the calm one.
But.
i didnt feel anyting.
why? just why?
He apologized so many times. Countless.
We even video call.

I didnt even make a smile, even make a smirk.
I just like a picture with moving background.
Why am I like that. After he make apologized.
he ended the call because battery drained.
On that time, i was torn into pieces.
Why? Because on my birthday, I felt nothing. Once in a year.
A new start of the year, I felt nothing.
or maybe its my fault. i cant accept his apologized.
He is sincere, apologized. trying to make me laugh.
But I cant accept.
Maybe im too heartless or maybe im too high expectation or maybe im too depend on him.
maybe im all of it.

Hours by hours, Day by day.
On 13th January,
I still didnt feel anything.
Im just like moving dead body.

On 14th January,
Actually we planned to meet his parents.
But, in early bird, the planned is changed.
He said just nice and slow.
"Assalammualaikum, selamat pagi sayang. Sorry tertido awal semalam. Saya rindu awak.
Awak, rasanya harini tak jadi nak jumpa parents saya sebab nak pi putrajaya and s.alam. Tak dapat jumpa family saya harini, boleh jumpa family saya bulan 10 nanti masa abang saya nikah :)"

He says just nice and with manner.
Im in half awake, just says
"Waalaikummussalam pagi. Okay"
Just like that.
I was tergamam, the day should I officially meet his parents and poof. Burn.
Maybe, im the one who not ready for this day. Maybe Allah make me wait to give someting more I deserve.
But, at that time. I was torn. Plus feels nothing.

At the night, he message me just like always.
I asked him. "Seronok?"
He answered no.
Because you are not here.
I said, no sweet talk.
He said, theres no sweet, but its real.
He tells me that when he in the IKEA,
he smiling and laughing all alone. Even his sister perasan.
He imagine we go to the IKEA and just watching all these perabot and when we back home. Theres nothing. Just sit on the floor.

I was moved.
He's thinking about me. After I mad at him.
I dont even laugh at his joke.